Open Doors

I woke up on July 2nd to my brother, Dave, in my room. I thought he was because my parents wanted me to do something and had sent him to wake me up. He just outright told me that my best friends mother had died the night before. I thought he was joking at first and just saying something to catch my attention so that I would wake up. After looking at his face, I knew he was serious.

This woman, Alice, was someone I had known since I was three. She was the first major death I experienced. My grandfathers had both died, but I was young at the time and they weren't such a large part of my life. She was the first death I experienced since I started on the road to becoming an adult. (I was 18 at the time.)

I spent a lot of time with Tom and his family in the weeks after she died and worked hard to be the rock for my friends. I made a point to be the person they could come to. The person they could rely on. I didn't allow myself to feel much grief during those weeks. Tom was in upstate NY at the time and was coming back that morning, so I made a point to go and see his old house so that I didn't break down when I saw him. I stood there for about 30 minutes reliving memories and stoically crying. I went to college without dealing with much of the grief I felt over losing her.

While suppressing all my emotions and trying to deny what had happened in my head, I swung around every time I heard a door open. I wanted it be a joke. I was waiting for her to come through the door and say, "Gotcha!" While trying to actually deal with my emotions and get on with my life, I realized that I felt the same way about my grandfathers. I wished they would come back into my life so that I could get to know them.

For me a judge of whether or not someone was important in my life is this idea. If someone is important in my life, then I'll want them to come through some door. I'll want them to walk back into my life. This is something that lives in my head every day. I always want just a little more time with those that have died. So, these days, every time a door opens, I wish with all my heart that someone important in my life who has died will walk through it.